I was completely minding my own business. I hung out at that movie theatre, with those same people, every Friday night, because honestly, there is not much else allowed of 14 year old girls. Now, I am not trying to tell you that I fell in some kind of deep, passionate love at this very moment. However, I am suggesting that I scraped the surface that very first day. He came up to talk to me. I remember what I was wearing (jeans and a hoodie, not looking to impress), I remember what movie we saw that night (50 first dates), I remember who I was with (2 of my best friends), but for some reason I cannot remember what he said. I do remember how I felt, the way he looked at me, and that gorgeous smile. My entire “I don’t need some ridiculous boy ruining my life and taking away my focus and perspective” philosophy crumbled at my feet. I had heard a few things about this boy that I wasn’t so fond of, and while I listened to this advice, I just didn’t take it.
Our first date was an “accident” that I’m more than certain was orchestrated by our friends. There were supposed to be ten of us, and it’s hard to believe that 8 people forgetting to show up, leaving just him and me was purely coincidental. I had never been more nervous in my life. My palms were sweating, I was breathing quickly, and my knees were shaking. Looking back now it seems completely immature, but the simply physical affect this boy had on me was incredible. This date turned into many, and the next thing you know we had been dating for three months. Around this time, he told me he loved me. Previously, this word was nonexistent in my vocabulary, other than family of course. However, I was not afraid to use this word now. Not with him.
Thirty minutes distance (which is now how far away we were), does not seem like much now. But to a fifteen year old, it really is. Keeping up a relationship was hard, and when we had two different lives consumed with sports and school it seemed almost impossible. I did love him, although the love that I felt for him then is insignificant for what I feel now, but I started to think. How silly was it to think that you are in love at fifteen? I had nothing to compare this feeling to. This must just be what it is like to be dating. The feeling was normal. I was just experiencing attraction. This was not a connection that would carry on into the future. Why waste each other’s time, when we could be going about our lives easier, and separately. I broke it off, it became too much.
Now interested in dating, I took full advantage of single freedom. I dated around, tried both casual and more serious relationships, all with bad results. I found emptiness everywhere I turned. Nothing compared to what I had felt before. I tried so hard to recreate the feelings that I had once taken for granted, but failed. I was especially surprised at my reaction, the physical aspect. Kissing, which my first experiences with were wonderful and personal, seemed uncomfortable and sometimes, with the less experienced few, repulsive. At this point I started to second guess myself. Maybe I was wrong in thinking that my original feelings were either fabrications or otherwise common.
This took me a while to figure out, around two years to be exact. Even when I did realize this, it was even longer before I could swallow my pride and come to terms with what I was actually thinking and feeling. I like to be in control of everything involving me (it’s a comfort issue) and this includes my emotions. Not being in control scares me. It made me vulnerable, and in my perspective at the time, weak. But as many times as I pushed these feelings aside, and justified my denial as being rational, I could not get him out of my head. I am sorry to say that I drug this boy along all the while I was making my decisions. And questioning my decisions. And re-making my decisions. I know now how much this hurt him, and while I would give anything now to take that pain away, I learned so much in our time apart.
I cannot remember exactly when I reached this epiphany, or how. It is almost like I woke up one morning, and came to terms with what had been there all along. I needed him. I am not one to admit something like that. I have always been stubbornly independent. To admit or to submit was a sign of personal flaw in my eyes at one time, but I suddenly was not afraid to need anymore. It took me a while to get up the nerve to talk to him. A few weeks after regaining contact, my prom was coming up. Although I was asked by someone else, there was only one person I wanted to go with. You can image how much of my pride I had to swallow to ask him. I was so afraid of him saying no. He now tells me it was foolish to stress over that, “Like I could say no” he says.
My favorite memory of our younger years was our first dance as a couple. I may or may not have played a part in having the same song repeated at prom. Tactful, I know. It was purely out of curiosity. I had to see if the feelings that had been absent from my life for so long would resurface, and if they would be as strong. I was surprised to find that they had only grown in strength. Dancing to our song the second time, replaying my favorite memory, his arms around my waste, singing softly in my ear, are among the most wonderful moments of my life.
As wonderful as our prom night was, it took so much to regain his trust. I knew I had made mistakes in my life. I wasn’t sure if I could call them mistakes, however. It was a mistake in the sense that I hurt, quite deeply, the person that I love most in the world. But, in my eyes it was a learning experience. In order to see what I had all along, I had to make these mistakes. I had to explore who I was. I had to be broken hearted to know what it feels to truly be whole. Regaining his trust has been a privilege, and I am honored to say he has given me his love.
Our place in each other’s lives is something Justin has never questioned. I envy his absolute trust in his feelings. He never once doubted our love. He never once doubted me. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life thanking him for his faith and forgiveness.
Since then, the time has both flown by and ached slowly. The little time we have together between both of our school and work related obligations makes it hard on both of us emotionally. It is something we accept however, because we know we have the rest of our lives. It sounds so strange to say that now, that I know I will be with him for the rest of my life. Four years ago I would say that a girl who thought she knew who she would spend the rest of her life with at age eighteen was an ignorant little girl. I surely hope that is not the case with me. In fact, I know it is not. I would say to my then fourteen year old self to give love a chance. Because in opening your heart and your mind to another person, you give yourself the chance to see life in a completely new way. I would tell myself to give love a chance, no matter the age, because love is indifferent to timing.
I feel truly blessed to get to call Justin my boyfriend. I can (and have) write a list of all the things I love about him: his smile, his eyes, his voice, the way he looks with a guitar in his lap, his laughter, his spirit, how silly he is, and how hard he tries to be funny, though often times he is not. Some, if not most of these things seem trivial in the requisite sense, but it is the littlest things that some might not even notice that make me love him the most.
Love often makes me feel vulnerable. I get scared to let someone be so close to me. It really is a frightening ordeal to let someone look into your soul. Love often makes me feel jealous. I resent every moment that any other girl has spent in his arms because of my ignorance. But, love, his love, has taken me amazing places. I love to see the world from this view.
I am not so naïve to think that love is the answer to everything. I am not so naïve to think the one I give my love to is perfect. In fact, sometimes I think there is no one in the world that has the capacity, or knows just the right way, to piss me off. That is a strange thing to realize, that the one you love can infuriate you at times. What is important to realize, however, is the happiness that person brings to your life. What would we know of pleasure if we never experienced any pain? I would rather spend my life arguing with this man, than in constant agreement with any other.
When college was looming around the corner, after the most wonderful summer of my life, I was terrified of what was to come between him and me. I thought about it every day, and often it consumed and directed my feelings. I honestly believed that school and distance would do the same thing that it had before. History would repeat itself. It was very possible, even though I knew I could not make the same mistake twice, it was a mistake that he had not made yet, therefore was vulnerable to. On the first Saturday after school had started, I was stressed, out of my element, and needing a vast amount of comfort from familiar arms. I can see him still sitting across the dinner table that night. My heart had never felt so light. The relief that he gives me is amazing, and I thought that this relief was the best gift he would give me that night. I was wrong.
How surprised I was to see that ring! A wonderful, beautiful, delicate piece of precious metal and gem, that represents something so much more valuable than face worth: A promise of forever. The look in his eyes when he gave it to me was even more reassurance. It is a look I hope my daughter will experience when she meets the one she is meant to be with. I wear his promise on my left hand every day. It is a reminder of his love, of his friendship, and his unwavering commitment to me. It is something I feel both respect and gratitude towards every time I look at it.
My fourteen year old self would probably hang her head in shame if she knew what she was to become, a silly girl in love. How amazed she will be when she feels it for the first time: burning, comforting, engulfing. It is said that the only thing worthy in life is to love and be loved. If that is so I can be confident that thanks to him I will be fortunate enough to experience a life full of value, meaning, and happiness. Something that those who knew me then would be surprised in now think I can find from love. I am surprised however, that I can have both. Not that much about me has changed. I am still that driven and ambitious person, but now I know that while it is important to have ambition and career goals, a life of just that, without love, without him, could hardly be called a life.
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